A single one. You see, I've been with someone all of my life. Parents - they divorced - then with my mother who had no choice but to become a single parent - which caused me to have a few foster parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah - I've been in the system. Not entirely mama's fault - but I'm not going there right now because it would lead into a mute direction. I may speak of it later, but for now, I shall try to maintain this course. Anyway, I went from mama - sort-of-speak to my first husband at the age of 17. Me, and uh - well, my 2 year old daughter - yeah go on, do the math. That's another story.
That marriage taught me a great deal about myself, what I could be forced to endure. Being in a domestically violent marriage does that and yes, more often than not, that entire lesson episode sucked! But - it was my bed and lie in it I did. That lasted for 21 years because I was determined that my children and I would not end up like my mother and I and brothers. All split into different locations and even states. They were in Mississippi and I got Chicago. In either case, there we were, like puppies in the wild who'd crawled from the hidden den yelping and howling scared to death - wanting mom and dad - wanting back what made us feel safe and secure. Yet we were left to fend for ourselves, ah sort-of-speak. There were other people around to watch us. My brothers - the older two, they went to my grandparents. Lynn, brother three above me, went to our father. They were the fortunate ones - because I got to go with mama.
My brothers hated me because of that. Because she took me with her. Yet, I wasn't with her at all, I was in
the hands of others - not gonna go there, that's another story as well. Anyway, they hated me because they thought I had mama, but loved me too, yeah, a love/hate relationship. Hmmm, a sudden epiphany - it suddenly occurred to me that both my marriages were like that. Two men who loved me, but hated me as well. Ooops, I digress. I may come back to that one day as well. Anyway, enough of that mess!
I - did not want to do that to my own children and so I stayed and fought it out for 21 years.
Yeah, not a good idea. While my three beautiful children were indeed, smart, ambitious, independent, self-starters and go getters, like their mother - also, like their mother, they still ended up with ugly issues and baggage. *Soooo sorry for that my babies - I really am. I didn't know what I was doing, just trying to avoid one sack of problems and created another.* Enough of that mess!
After 21 years of marriage - with all three kids gone and into a life of their own, I left hubby one. Unfortunately I didn't take a decent break in between - like mama tried to tell me to do - at the time when she told me that, I was thinking, 'Ha! You're one to tell me!' - (Maybe I'll explain why I felt that way later) Never say that to yourself or out loud. It WILL come back to bite you in the rump! Wanna see? Still have the teeth marks.
Anyway, I knew what I was doing, right. I was in my 30's when I chose this life partner, not a young girl of 12! Yes, I did that, I determined at 12 years old that I wanted hubby number One! So I figured, surely I've learned a lot sense then - right?
*Wrong!* Ain't learn she-ite-shooky!
I fell head over heels in a BIG BIG BIG way - gave up all and everything in America and moved to England for hubby two! Don't get me wrong, this second one lasted 12 years. Seven of which we were sooo in love we could not imagine living with out the other. We went through hell with immigration and spent some serious money in flights and VISAS to get me there so we could be together. WE - were - in - LOVE! Soulmates! Destined to be together. MADE for one another. I born for him and he for me!
|Our favorite place and road to walk! UK|
Yet, here I am today - back in America and my new life begins. Single - how I plan to remain - yes - finally after that bite in the rump, I am going to listen to mama! Only took me 39 years to get wise, at 51 years old I grew into some sense, woke up, snapped out of it, took off the rose tinted glasses, and accepted what I knew all along - that is - that only my CREATOR knows me, my baggage, my inner make up, the whys of who I am, well enough to know what I need. (I intimidate some men! I'm too driven and they can't cope with that) So, He is the only one capable of finding my right match. From now on, I'm leaving it in his hands and getting on with my life. One where I can set priorities that won't back-fire on me. Focus on growing me up by keeping me alone with no distractions from the goal. Focus on my children, grand and all - focus on work and what I was shaped, molded and guided to do.
Me, myself and I have finally looked back to see so many events of the past where He has shown that He's been with me all along and if I'd just turned and asked, I could have saved myself a lot of sorrow, heartbreak and pain... not to mention time wasted. Lessons learned Father! So with my constant, dependable, unchanging ROCK - the Almighty - by my side - I am going to let Him guide me, direct my steps from here on out. He has great plans for me in my new life - I just have to draw close to Him to know what that is...
And today... in this new life... I am happy - to be me - who has learned how precious it is to be FREE!